My Toxic Relationship

TW: Suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety

My toxic relationship with "busyness"

My relationship with busyness is complicated and at times, toxic. On one hand, my addiction with being busy is what helps me to get things done. It motivates me to have effective time management skills, and helps me to have a good work ethic. It also gives me that push I need to take on projects or hobbies that fill my cup, because at least if I engage in them, it gives me something to do. Idle hands do the devil's work, but isn't it okay to be idle sometimes?

On the other hand, my addiction to busyness makes me almost incapable of taking a break. I have had a month off from school, and I spent more time than I would like to admit anxiously berating myself for not doing work related to school. During the semester, there is not a moment that I am not thinking about school or feeling guilty when I am not actively working on something for school. It is exhausting to know that you are on the edge of burnout and that you can't do anything about it because of this pressure to be productive and stay busy. Even when I'm on a break, it is impossible to enjoy it because in my head, every moment that I am not actively creating my boards study guide or working on updating my literature review I have convinced myself that I am falling behind. Behind who? I DON'T KNOW.

This "academic guilt" is the reason that I have spent the last two weeks of my break incredibly depressed and anxious to the point that I have broken out in a small rash (TMI? Too bad!).

Academia and The Cult of Busy

This insane thing is, this toxic relationship I share with busyness is incredibly common. If you google "busy culture" (or for even more fun essays, "busy cult"), you'll find dozens of blog posts, opinion pieces, and articles that talk about how busyness has become the ultimate status symbol. Being busy, but more importantly, busier than the person next to you, contributes to a social hierarchy that is inherently tied to capitalism. If you aren't working hard, there is someone else who is. As if breaking out backs to out-work one another is a reflection of our merit? This is not to say that those who work hard shouldn't be acknowledge for their efforts, but what is the prize for being the first person to work themselves to death?

I remember conversations held between "friends" in college, in which a dick-measuring contest was replaced with "how little did you sleep last night?", the winner obviously being the person who got the least amount of rest. I can remember buying into that culture, staying up late because it meant that I was working harder than everyone, as if it meant that I was better than them for it. For the record, I never won those contests. I am physically incapable of pulling all nighters, and at this point in my life, can barely stay up past 1 am. But at some point, perhaps between suicidal ideations, I realized that just how disgusting that game was. I was fully prepared to work myself to death, and when I didn't want to work anymore, I wished that I were dead, because who can blame you for not being productive when you're dead?

As soon as I graduated from college, I realized I hated competing for The Busiest Person. That being busy for sake of being busy was stupid. That as much as I have learned the importance of working hard and being busy from my parents, I should also learn the importance of "the office is closed" as my mom (who works from home) would put it.

But academia loves busy culture. Higher education in general makes busy culture all the more seductive with promises of improving your CV and publications. It's also built into the curriculum, with the academic requirements like research, projects, and assignments making it necessary to not just bring work home, but to bring it with you wherever you go. Guess how often I found myself reading a textbook while my friends were trying on clothes in a mall? (Don't ask, it's kind of sad) And I understand that this is something that we signed up for when we made the decision to pursue graduate education, but why is is that this culture of over-working and burnout continues to be perpetuated? Why do we let it happen? 

Something I find incredibly hilarious (and ironic) are the number of research articles that have been published on the prevalence of burnout and mental illness in students pursuing a graduate education. In an article published in Nature in March of 2018, the authors called it a "mental health crisis" and called for "intervention" strategies that emphasize self-care and a mindfulness in work. But what bothers me about this isn't the fact that the authors are urging faculty and administration to provide more resources for mental health interventions (which, in my opinion, is the bare minimum) but that it aims to treat the symptoms and not the cause. All of this research dances around the fact that the system itself is flawed. It benefits from busy culture, because busy graduate students mean more research being done, publications being completed, and accolades for the institution (which almost always lead to more funding). 

This is not to say that my musings on the concept of busy culture in academia are a direct reflection on my program. I will say that I am one of the lucky ones. The leadership in my program does a good job at trying to honor our time outside of school (within reason). But at what point will the system of higher education as a whole admit that while grad school should be challenging, it should not need to come at the cost of its students' mental and emotional health?

If you are interested in reading some of the blogs, opinion pieces, and articles on busy culture here are some that I resonated with: 

• Academic Guilt
• Academia is built on exploitation. We must break this vicious circle.
• Avoiding the ‘Busy Trap’ in Graduate School
• ‘Ugh, I’m So Busy’: A Status Symbol for Our Time

So, what now?

So, at the beginning of the month I cleaned my apartment (physically and spiritually). One of the things I like to do periodically is randomly select an affirmation card from this cute little deck my roommate got me.

You can find it on Amazon! | Here

The card I selected is titled: Worthiness

Here is the description:

"I am worthy of the ultimate happiness. I deserve and accept it, and dammit I'm not going to feel guilty about it when I get it. Guilt is not invited to my happiness party––I won't even tell him where it is. If he asks about it, I'll be like, "No, I think you're thinking of something else..." And then I'll run away very quickly."

I don't have any resolutions for 2020. In all honesty, I am just focused on getting to 2021. I know that this year will be entirely consumed by school, and that's okay. What I'm not going to do is let myself and all of my precious time be consumed by school or guilt because it's not being consumed by school. I will give myself the permission to find ultimate happiness, even in small moments like taking a nap or getting a hair cut, and I won't feel guilty about it (or at least I'll try not to). 

I know that graduate school is meant to be challenging, and I know that I will be busy because of it, but I will not let my busyness measure my worth or merit as a student or as a future genetic counselor. I will not shy away from all the good things in my relationship with busyness, but I will work on redefining my relationship with being busy that leaves room for me to take a damn break once in a while. Because taking a few hours to spend with friends isn't going to kill me, but putting undue pressure on myself to meet my unrealistic (and frankly unattainable) expectations of "productivity" or excellence just might.